Toadstools & Umbrellas

I know this is the stress of the end of a semester, but I could do with it being a little less stressful. This whole semester has just been ridiculous. I need to come up with a new word because I've used that one so often, but I don't even think I can without resorting to just flat out cursing. I looked forward to Thanksgiving Break, but it was hellish too, because as I heard once on TV somewhere, life is a horrible bitch goddess.

My great-grandmother died about a week beforehand, which wasn't entirely unexpected but still sad. She was 98. I wasn't able to go to the funeral because of school, so I stayed up here until Wednesday, when my Dad drove me down for Thanksgiving. At the funeral, my Mom was told by a well-meaning cousin that my grandmother's breast cancer spread to her lungs a year ago. And when I got home, my friend who had promised to come feed and change the litter box for my cats hadn't come over once in three days. I called and snapped at her, and my Mom left a cold, teary voice message on her cell phone (my friend wouldn't pick up after I called her).

I haven't talked to this friend in months, but for some reason this left me more stricken than even my great-grandmother's death. I've known the friend since middle school, and I know this was probably just a mistake, but my cats could have died. When she texted me an apology and I told her about my holiday, she apologized, and then immediately started telling me about how she, her brother and her boyfriend went all over town on Friday to find a video game. I did not text her back.

And I caught a cold just in time to come back and work super hard for school.

But my Mom found this poem that my great-grandmother remembered and wrote down from her school days. It made me happy.

The Toadstool

Under a toadstool crept a wee elf out of the rain

To shelter himself under the toadstool sound asleep

Sat a big dormouse all in a heap

Suddenly the wee elf smiled a wee smile

And tugged till the toadstool toppled and holding

It over him gaily he flew

Soon woke the dormouse

"Good Gracious me where is my toadstool?"

Loudly he lamented

And that is how umbrellas were first invented

In the Future

One morning when I was about 13 or 14 years old, my dad was driving me to school and I was terrified. It was my first day in a new school and I had just been told that I was supposed to get a shot at the pediatrician's that afternoon. So already it was pretty much guaranteed not to be that fun of a day. And as I sat rigidly in my desk at school and tried to keep my nervous stomach under control, I thought "Man, life will be so much better and funner and easier when I am like, 20 something, and I'm not afraid of trivial things like shots and I have the boldness gained from ~*life experience*~ to be friends with tons of people."

I have become less afraid of shots. Well, I can avoid bursting into tears against my will at the sight of a needle like I used to, anyway. But I have grown more afraid of life, I think. My future has never seemed more uncertain, and if there is one thing I cannot stand it is uncertainty. I do not even enjoy vacations if I don't know what to expect. How am I supposed to prepare for uncertainty?

I think this is one of those times in my life where I'm slowly, slowly, slowly building steam, and will eventually gather up enough speed to feel like I'm doing something. I'm in some sort of unpleasant valley right now, but I hope things will get better, even if I do achieve my worst fear: failure. Because failing doesn't mean my lifewill end!

I am 20 years old and in college. I am an non-teaching English major with a very small number of friends I feel comfortable hanging out with for reasonable periods of time. I never have any adventures or do anything unexpected.

But maybe, hopefully, this will change.