Movies

Taking inspiration from Janelle, I'm going to try to write at least three lines a day in my blog. This will probably be the majority of my entries, but whatever.

I've watched a lot of movies, mostly in the last half decade or so. This is interesting, when you think about it. The habit started in middle school, when all my friends were watching The Lord of the Rings, and I thought it was super awesome. I can't say that I haven't watched some bad movies, but dag, I watched this one movie last night and it was total Horrorshow.

Like, so unbelievably bad that I couldn't even mock it, I was just horror-stricken at how awful the characters were. And the story was bad. I keep having flashbacks and shuddering. Yeesh. At least I stopped it halfway through or so. I do not care if the main guy was super cute, totes not worth it. I cannot even remember the name of it.

Now I am watching lots of movies by Wes Anderson and watching a lot of Friends episodes with my sister. Just so you know.

Soothing Winter Neuroses

I have been pleased by the snow this winter, because if it's going to be this cold and windy, it had also better be pretty. But still, I've been feeling a bit ragged. I've been victim to a seemingly never ending cold, feeling insecure about my winter ham-arms and pot-belly, and mentally taxed by college. I cannot tell you how worried it makes me feel that my success in transitioning from college to life seems to be amusing and making friends with my teachers. I am The Worst at amusing strangers! And I said more crazy things to my sister's friends because I was nervous and I never know what to say to anybody.

I was worrying these things over in my mind, sullenly tromping back to the dorm after class Friday when several of my Happy Place songs came on, I saw a quote that soothed me, took a nap, ate lunch with my mom, laughed a lot over a dumb movie, sighed happily about a cute guy with my sister, listened to a sermon at Vespers that encouraged rather than guilt-tripped me, and just felt. Better. So amazing.

Have some music!







"God doesn't call us to be extraordinary; He calls us to be faithful."

A Creature of Comforting Habits

A lot of the time when I'm feeling overwhelmed or just weepy and I don't know why, I'll sit down and talk quietly to myself (in my head, not aloud). I'll say "Okay. What is the problem, and what can I do to calm myself down to solve it?" A lot of the time it isn't anything I can deal with at that moment in time, it's just a general sense of anxiety I've created by falling slightly short at a variety of probably impossible goals I'd set for myself earlier. Finish all my homework reading for the week, clean most or all of the house, finish a project, go exercise, and then go talk to some professors that you're terrified of because they're adults and you don't know them, all in one day. And then maybe you can relax. Only of course I don't finish it all, so I don't relax and just feel bad, and guilty.

I have four(ish) main moods: Fear, Guilt, Excitement, and Hope. Most of my time lately has been spent in the first two moods, and a lot of the time I can't figure out whether that would cease to be the case if I tried harder to solve my problems and self-doubts, or if I should just continue comforting myself like I do. The things I've been doing lately to comfort myself include:

1. Making lists
2. Writing out in cursive the lyrics to songs I listen to a lot (mostly Slow Club, songs from Paul Simon's "Graceland" album, and Neutral Milk Hotel's "Holland 1945")
3. Trying to perfect my Chocolate Cake in a Cup recipe
4. Reorganizing my bookshelf
5. Watching Wes Anderson's movies, especially "Rushmore," and Sofia Coppola's "Marie Antoinette." This is partly because I love beyond reason the look of those movies, with their very determined color palettes and carefully ordered sets, and partly because I for some reason suddenly have A Thing for Jason Schwartzman.
6. Reading David Sedaris, Anne Lamott, Sarah Vowell, and other essayists I love.

Number five has been especially popular, lately. I would watch those movies again with someone in a heartbeat.

I worry a lot that I am wasting time doing these things, putting off what actually be done, but I am so worn out from worrying. I don't know.

Dear Diary

I went home to wash my laundry at my house this afternoon, like I do most Fridays, and ended up stuck here. (Maybe stuck is a bit negative sounding, but I don't mean it to be). Yes, I had heard about the forecast for a "small winter storm" or whatever, but our weathermen freak out about the smallest thing. But they were justified this time, so here I am.

I like being home, but not really at the moment, because my room and the house in general is a disaster. We got the entire inside painted and de-wallpapered, and everything's covered in a thin layer of dust. I turned on the light in my room and the click echoed, which made me uneasy. It made the place feel empty and cold, and my walls are bare. I need new furniture now, since my multicolored chest-of-drawers definitely do not fit in now.

I was putting sheets on my bed when I noticed my first diary haphazardly lying on my bookshelves. I hadn't read it in a while, so I thought I would, and it is crazy. Well, not crazy I guess, but I don't know how to explain it other than the diary of a six to ten year old girl, which is how old I was when I wrote in it. I filled it up, because I promised to when my mom bought it for me, and especially as a kid I was very big about keeping my promises. When I remembered them. I was also very intense about the whole "DIARIES HAVE TO BE PRIVATE" thing, but that was about all I was disciplined about. I've kept diaries/journals for the majority of my life, because I'd never heard rules about how they should be written, whereas I knew lots of rules about writing stories. Maybe that's why writing fiction has always made me tense. I also noticed a good number of recaps of movies I had seen. Anyway. Here's some excerpts from my ~*childhood diary*~ to amuse you. Errors uncorrected! For historical accuracy/laziness.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
July 5, '96
Dear Diary...
I love to read. And I have lots of frinds. And I love this diary.
Caitlin
P.S. I WILL MAKE SURE THAT NO ONE READS THIS DIARY EXCEPT ME.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Oct. 10, '96
Dear Diary...
Happy birthday to you happy birthday to you happy birthday dear diary, happy birthday to you. And many more. Diary I'm sorry but it isn't your birthday. It's Savannah's, on of my beast frinds. It's her birthday, and Katie's birthday. But I won't be able to go to them. We are going somewhere else.
Caitlin
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Jan. 24 '97
Dear Diary...
Today was the spelling bee. A lot of good things happed to me today. Like I got to go to Mac Donald's. And I got a letter from Gorgia. It said congrats Caitlin. Then I got a basket with candeys. And I did sand art.
Caitlin
P.S. I am alternate. (in the Spelling Bee) I didn't win.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sep. 17 '98
Dear Diary...
Today we went to the county fair and saw the play "Annie." I really liked "Annie" and the county fair. My mom, dad, sister, aunt, grandma, friend and I thought that the villen in the play "Annie" was halarious. She was pretty drunk.
Caitlin
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Jan. 10 '99
Dear Diary...
We just watched the Swiss Family Robinson on TV. It was really good. It was about this family that got shipwreacked on an island for 182 days! CRAZY. They built a shower in their treehouse. Next Sunday, they're going to put on a movie about Martin Luther King Jr. and how he won freedom for all black people.
Caitlin
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`
Mar. 8, 2000
Dear Diary...
I was just thinking. I really do like Tyler. I also just found out that I am lovesick because of him. And more thing. I wonder if he really does like Brooke, or is he just making that up? Who knows. I wish I did know. I also wonder what it's like to be really popular, like Kara. Everyone likes you, and accepts you. Boys like you. Tyler once even liked Kara as a girlfriend, and could still possibly like her!
Caitlin
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mar. 29, 2000
Dear Diary...
I found out something that I should have known before. Tyler and I have totally different interests, and as you know, I like him! It's such an inconvenience. Anyway, Amber made me a thing called a Peeper! It is a puff ball creature with hearts for feet. It is so cute!
Caitlin
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Masterpieces of prose, all.

Math in Real Life

I like Christmas, but I've noticed lately that each year it's crept up on me more sneakily. I barely have time to buy a small present for everyone, then it's there, and it's gone. This kind of bums me out, because I've always liked the build-up to Christmas Day during the month of December a bit more than Christmas Day itself. All the songs, and little rituals and decorations.

I told my dad once that sometimes it felt like time went faster than when I was a little kid, even when I didn't have much to do. Like, the actual divisions of time seemed shorter. An hour when I was a kid felt like maybe a half hour when I was in high school, barely enough time to complete anything. My dad said it was probably because everything seems longer and larger when the fraction of time you've spent alive is smaller. When you're three years old, one year is a third of your life. So one year feels like an ETERNITY, and winter seems impossible when you're starting summer. But when you're twenty, your fraction is bigger and you've got a lot more to stuff into it.

It was an interesting moment, because I had never thought of life in mathematical terms like that. I am not a naturally mathematically minded person, but I think it would kind of be cool to be. I work on it, every now and then.

Snippets

I tried to start an entry on the history of my glasses, but it got away from me so I'm trying to get it right a little later. I'm only saying this, because I just wanted to confirm that I'm still here, at this blog. The couple of weeks left of Fall 2009 semester after Thanksgiving Break did not leave much time for anything not absolutely required for classes, so I haven't written anything it seems.

This break will be different, hopefully. I want to use it to become more confident in my abilities as a writer, since English classes seem to be about all I'm good for. So far, I've been slowly and carefully unwinding from this past, hellish semester. I've watched like, four or five movies since last Wednesday, it's been glorious.

The latest movie I watched was that art film about Bob Dylan called "I'm Not There," that Lindsay made me watch. She is in love with that guy, as well as Christian Bale, who was in the movie for a while as one representation of Dylan. I know relatively little about Bob Dylan, but Lindsay filled me in on the details and it was a lovely, if strange, type of movie. Here are my favorite songs from it. The second one made me fall out of my chair, it was such a gloriously covered song.





Anyway, I had better finish cleaning the guest room for my grandparents, who are coming for Christmas either tomorrow or Wednesday, I can't remember.

Toadstools & Umbrellas

I know this is the stress of the end of a semester, but I could do with it being a little less stressful. This whole semester has just been ridiculous. I need to come up with a new word because I've used that one so often, but I don't even think I can without resorting to just flat out cursing. I looked forward to Thanksgiving Break, but it was hellish too, because as I heard once on TV somewhere, life is a horrible bitch goddess.

My great-grandmother died about a week beforehand, which wasn't entirely unexpected but still sad. She was 98. I wasn't able to go to the funeral because of school, so I stayed up here until Wednesday, when my Dad drove me down for Thanksgiving. At the funeral, my Mom was told by a well-meaning cousin that my grandmother's breast cancer spread to her lungs a year ago. And when I got home, my friend who had promised to come feed and change the litter box for my cats hadn't come over once in three days. I called and snapped at her, and my Mom left a cold, teary voice message on her cell phone (my friend wouldn't pick up after I called her).

I haven't talked to this friend in months, but for some reason this left me more stricken than even my great-grandmother's death. I've known the friend since middle school, and I know this was probably just a mistake, but my cats could have died. When she texted me an apology and I told her about my holiday, she apologized, and then immediately started telling me about how she, her brother and her boyfriend went all over town on Friday to find a video game. I did not text her back.

And I caught a cold just in time to come back and work super hard for school.

But my Mom found this poem that my great-grandmother remembered and wrote down from her school days. It made me happy.

The Toadstool

Under a toadstool crept a wee elf out of the rain

To shelter himself under the toadstool sound asleep

Sat a big dormouse all in a heap

Suddenly the wee elf smiled a wee smile

And tugged till the toadstool toppled and holding

It over him gaily he flew

Soon woke the dormouse

"Good Gracious me where is my toadstool?"

Loudly he lamented

And that is how umbrellas were first invented