I hate making phone calls. You might think I'm talking about phone calls to report tragedy, or something, but no, I just hate phone calls in general. There is the physical discomfort that comes from holding a cell phone directly against my ear, where it slowly heats until it feels like the side of my head is just going to sweat off. There is also the social awkwardness.
Besides a brief glory days period of extroversion in preschool and early grade school, where I remember loving all the people and genuinely assuming that everyone loved me back, I Do Not Like Talking to Strangers Much At All. It has gotten better, and on good days and even regular days I feel like I can get past this with more confident appearing body language. Look directly at the person, smile at regular intervals, that sort of thing. But on the phone, this all goes away, and the person on the other end of the line is stuck with 14 Year Old Caitlin. Frequently I write out exactly what I'm going to say, then I pare it down to an outline so it doesn't sound like I'm reading a conversation I've written ahead of time, and THEN call. Even ordering food is a trial.
The point of this all is that I've been stressed for the past week about all the details of arranging various standardized tests I suddenly have to take this semester and next, and cannot for the life of me seem to get it together satisfactorily.
I don't know, life is really a chore sometimes, when the littlest stupid things take such a ridiculous amount of personal courage. It's not like they're these huge tasks I mean, but really, it doesn't seem fair that daily interactions take up so much mental and emotional energy. Couple that with the fact that several of my friends and family members have had a truly rough few weeks, and I am exhausted with no real right to be so. My surprising energy and drive to get things done that began the semester is slowly but surely wearing down and just leaving me tried. I really need Fall Break, even though I suspect I'll need it to gear up for the semester's end and the next one's beginning instead of rest.
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Monday, October 11, 2010
More Childhood Diaries
Janelle asked me to do a happy post to negate the bad feelings from the last one (THE FEELINGS ARE MERELY IMPASSIONED), and I can't think of anything in particular to write about, so have some diary entries from my ~*youth*~.
My youth being 8 or 9 years old.
Clarification, I honestly think I invented this whole drama with Tyler. We were friends, but I don't really remember having a crush on him? I think I said I did, because I didn't have a crush on him, and everyone else had a crush on somebody, so I pretended I had one too. But I didn't tell anybody about it. So what was the point? YOUNG PRETEND LOVE.
Another weird thing I noticed was a tendency towards multiple rhetorical questions. Like, I'd ask the diary questions, and then answer them. I have no answers for this. Also lists. Lists were big.
____________________
March 8, 1999
I just learned about the new 1999 quarter. I'm trying to find one for my coin collection. I absolutely like Tyler. As a boyfriend too! But there's a problem. He doesn't like me. As a girlfriend, anyway. He likes Kelsey. She is the most snooty girl in the universe, I don't see how Tyler likes HER!!! Anyway, Mrs. P had a new granddaughter a few days ago named Andrea. I think. We looked at Amethyst and Rose Quartz and all sorts of other rocks today. It was cool. My favorite was the Amethyst.
_____________________
February 9, 1997
We went to 3 parties and in them all we had sweet tasting food. Like cake and ice cream. I got a stomach ache. Meghan moved, but I saw her at Kaitlyn's party! I went to American Girls Club. And ate sweet tasting food. We went to Charlie's party. And ate food. We went to Kaitlyn's party. And ate food.
_____________________
June 1, 1997
One June 5 the school is letting school out. Yesterday and part of today Bailey and I made a tent and played in it till Bailey's mommy came. Bailey also spent the night at my house and watched the Magic School Bus, Fantasia and Wishbone. I think Bailey liked all of them.
____________________
August 17, 1997
At church, they gave me a present. It was two things in one. The things on the outside are a tiny flashlight and the pen I'm writing with on the inside. There was a Bible, called Uncle Arthur's Bible Book.
____________________
May 12, 1997
I got a year book today. Almost everyone put their autograph in my book. I checked out Where the Read Fern Grows. And we moved our desks anywhere we wanted in school today. I chose to sit by Coleman.
____________________
December 2, 1996
I have some kids in my class. Here are their names. Patrick, Shane, Cody C, Meghan, Tyler, Gary, Joey, me, Michael, Holly, Amanda, Ashley, Blake, Cody O, Kelsey, Rickey, Jacob, Casey, Katy, Savannah, Coleman, Kimberly, Nera. Do those kids sound nice? Well they are! How do I know? I'm in their class! That's how I know! And they all know me. They're in my class. You know that, don't you? Yes you do.
My youth being 8 or 9 years old.
Clarification, I honestly think I invented this whole drama with Tyler. We were friends, but I don't really remember having a crush on him? I think I said I did, because I didn't have a crush on him, and everyone else had a crush on somebody, so I pretended I had one too. But I didn't tell anybody about it. So what was the point? YOUNG PRETEND LOVE.
Another weird thing I noticed was a tendency towards multiple rhetorical questions. Like, I'd ask the diary questions, and then answer them. I have no answers for this. Also lists. Lists were big.
____________________
March 8, 1999
I just learned about the new 1999 quarter. I'm trying to find one for my coin collection. I absolutely like Tyler. As a boyfriend too! But there's a problem. He doesn't like me. As a girlfriend, anyway. He likes Kelsey. She is the most snooty girl in the universe, I don't see how Tyler likes HER!!! Anyway, Mrs. P had a new granddaughter a few days ago named Andrea. I think. We looked at Amethyst and Rose Quartz and all sorts of other rocks today. It was cool. My favorite was the Amethyst.
_____________________
February 9, 1997
We went to 3 parties and in them all we had sweet tasting food. Like cake and ice cream. I got a stomach ache. Meghan moved, but I saw her at Kaitlyn's party! I went to American Girls Club. And ate sweet tasting food. We went to Charlie's party. And ate food. We went to Kaitlyn's party. And ate food.
_____________________
June 1, 1997
One June 5 the school is letting school out. Yesterday and part of today Bailey and I made a tent and played in it till Bailey's mommy came. Bailey also spent the night at my house and watched the Magic School Bus, Fantasia and Wishbone. I think Bailey liked all of them.
____________________
August 17, 1997
At church, they gave me a present. It was two things in one. The things on the outside are a tiny flashlight and the pen I'm writing with on the inside. There was a Bible, called Uncle Arthur's Bible Book.
____________________
May 12, 1997
I got a year book today. Almost everyone put their autograph in my book. I checked out Where the Read Fern Grows. And we moved our desks anywhere we wanted in school today. I chose to sit by Coleman.
____________________
December 2, 1996
I have some kids in my class. Here are their names. Patrick, Shane, Cody C, Meghan, Tyler, Gary, Joey, me, Michael, Holly, Amanda, Ashley, Blake, Cody O, Kelsey, Rickey, Jacob, Casey, Katy, Savannah, Coleman, Kimberly, Nera. Do those kids sound nice? Well they are! How do I know? I'm in their class! That's how I know! And they all know me. They're in my class. You know that, don't you? Yes you do.
Facts and Fairy Tales
Ugh, this weekend wasn't The Worst, but it was grating in many ways. Battering at my confidence, continuing uncertainty about What I'm Doing, and continued sleep-deprivation, it's not as if it was even close to anything resembling The Best. Mostly it involved struggles with my major, which is unrewarding work and just downright disheartening a lot of the time.
If there's ever been a major with students both more smug about itself while being supremely self-conscious and defensive than English, I have not come across it. There may be, I don't know, but I do know that for all the praise that's bestowed upon people that are able to articulate themselves well, the skill of writing it down is apparently not as admired. So English majors' attitudes aren't entirely unprecedented. Unless you're planning on being a teacher (itself not a terribly admired profession) or I guess, going into law school (at least it's well-paying), then people are at a loss as to how you're going to survive.
To be fair to many people I've met in my college career, I haven't felt attacked or scorned upon for being in English. But I and some other English majors have been looked down upon I feel, even by fellow devotees of the humanities, which is incredibly irritating. I do not like when me or my fellow English majors are looked upon as children who haven't outgrown a preoccupation with fairy tales, like people who don't know how to work with facts because we're not practical enough to create conclusions based on evidence, rather than writing poetry or whatever. Like fiction and stories in general aren't utterly necessary, for English and non-English majors alike.
As if wisdom was never gained from fairy tales.
If there's ever been a major with students both more smug about itself while being supremely self-conscious and defensive than English, I have not come across it. There may be, I don't know, but I do know that for all the praise that's bestowed upon people that are able to articulate themselves well, the skill of writing it down is apparently not as admired. So English majors' attitudes aren't entirely unprecedented. Unless you're planning on being a teacher (itself not a terribly admired profession) or I guess, going into law school (at least it's well-paying), then people are at a loss as to how you're going to survive.
To be fair to many people I've met in my college career, I haven't felt attacked or scorned upon for being in English. But I and some other English majors have been looked down upon I feel, even by fellow devotees of the humanities, which is incredibly irritating. I do not like when me or my fellow English majors are looked upon as children who haven't outgrown a preoccupation with fairy tales, like people who don't know how to work with facts because we're not practical enough to create conclusions based on evidence, rather than writing poetry or whatever. Like fiction and stories in general aren't utterly necessary, for English and non-English majors alike.
As if wisdom was never gained from fairy tales.
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Dynamic Duos (which devolves into fan-tarding)
Even though I am perfectly fond of stories that have a solitary protagonist, I am even more fond of the team. It reminds me a bit of this interview I either read or heard with Wes Anderson, in which he said that he liked writing about teams of people, having them work together and meshing personalities to get things done. The three person team is notable for its presence in some things I love, like Black Books and others I'm forgetting at the moment, but I have a special soft spot for teams of two.
Maybe it's because I tend to only have one close friend at a time, who knows, but man, the dynamic duo gets me every time. The sorts of double acts, where the characters seem wildly different at first glance, but who have deeper and stronger characteristics in common that hold them together. The Doctor & companion(s), Vince & Howard, Jemaine & Bret. It extends to real life as well, I love both The Daily Show and The Colbert Report. So it is no mystery (HA!) how I got sucked into Holmes & Watson.
Always the late bloomer, I only read the actual stories this summer, whereas literally everyone who's heard I'm reading them read them between the ages of 11-14. I guess I was too busy with James Herriot, or Julie's Wolf Pack, I don't know, but it's ridiculous, like a fifth grader just discovering Sesame Street, or something.
"OH MAN, YOU GUYS, HAVE YOU SEEN THAT SHOW WITH THE PUPPETS, ABOUT LETTERS AND NUMBERS?!"
"Sesame Street? Yeah....we got over that like, three grades ago."
"SO GOOD. IT IS SO GOOD."
It gets me in the same place as Doctor Who, really, with the largely socially isolated super-smart hero with the badass sidekick/equal who brings the normalcy and decency that's sorely needed in the whole endeavor. I am especially partial to the latter, I cannot resist adventurous sidekicks, good Lord.
AND THEY SOLVE CRIME/SAVE THE WORLD. I am always about adventure (in books)!
Anyway, I barely know what else to say about it, except to throw a bunch of recommendations your way, all of which you've probably heard if you know me in real life (Russian TV Holmes, Granada, new BBC Sherlock show, the 2009 RDJ one). This entry seems to have gone slightly awry, coherence-wise, as things usually do when I try and write about something I'm currently rather passionate about.
I could swear to you this is the last time I obsess about this, but it would probably be a lie. Usually I keep intense loves like this on the down-low in real life, because I will go on and on and frighten people.
P.S. Janelle told me to write something, and I wrote this lol she should be proud.
Maybe it's because I tend to only have one close friend at a time, who knows, but man, the dynamic duo gets me every time. The sorts of double acts, where the characters seem wildly different at first glance, but who have deeper and stronger characteristics in common that hold them together. The Doctor & companion(s), Vince & Howard, Jemaine & Bret. It extends to real life as well, I love both The Daily Show and The Colbert Report. So it is no mystery (HA!) how I got sucked into Holmes & Watson.
Always the late bloomer, I only read the actual stories this summer, whereas literally everyone who's heard I'm reading them read them between the ages of 11-14. I guess I was too busy with James Herriot, or Julie's Wolf Pack, I don't know, but it's ridiculous, like a fifth grader just discovering Sesame Street, or something.
"OH MAN, YOU GUYS, HAVE YOU SEEN THAT SHOW WITH THE PUPPETS, ABOUT LETTERS AND NUMBERS?!"
"Sesame Street? Yeah....we got over that like, three grades ago."
"SO GOOD. IT IS SO GOOD."
It gets me in the same place as Doctor Who, really, with the largely socially isolated super-smart hero with the badass sidekick/equal who brings the normalcy and decency that's sorely needed in the whole endeavor. I am especially partial to the latter, I cannot resist adventurous sidekicks, good Lord.
AND THEY SOLVE CRIME/SAVE THE WORLD. I am always about adventure (in books)!
Anyway, I barely know what else to say about it, except to throw a bunch of recommendations your way, all of which you've probably heard if you know me in real life (Russian TV Holmes, Granada, new BBC Sherlock show, the 2009 RDJ one). This entry seems to have gone slightly awry, coherence-wise, as things usually do when I try and write about something I'm currently rather passionate about.
I could swear to you this is the last time I obsess about this, but it would probably be a lie. Usually I keep intense loves like this on the down-low in real life, because I will go on and on and frighten people.
P.S. Janelle told me to write something, and I wrote this lol she should be proud.
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