Miniature Courage

I hate making phone calls. You might think I'm talking about phone calls to report tragedy, or something, but no, I just hate phone calls in general. There is the physical discomfort that comes from holding a cell phone directly against my ear, where it slowly heats until it feels like the side of my head is just going to sweat off. There is also the social awkwardness.

Besides a brief glory days period of extroversion in preschool and early grade school, where I remember loving all the people and genuinely assuming that everyone loved me back, I Do Not Like Talking to Strangers Much At All. It has gotten better, and on good days and even regular days I feel like I can get past this with more confident appearing body language. Look directly at the person, smile at regular intervals, that sort of thing. But on the phone, this all goes away, and the person on the other end of the line is stuck with 14 Year Old Caitlin. Frequently I write out exactly what I'm going to say, then I pare it down to an outline so it doesn't sound like I'm reading a conversation I've written ahead of time, and THEN call. Even ordering food is a trial.

The point of this all is that I've been stressed for the past week about all the details of arranging various standardized tests I suddenly have to take this semester and next, and cannot for the life of me seem to get it together satisfactorily.

I don't know, life is really a chore sometimes, when the littlest stupid things take such a ridiculous amount of personal courage. It's not like they're these huge tasks I mean, but really, it doesn't seem fair that daily interactions take up so much mental and emotional energy. Couple that with the fact that several of my friends and family members have had a truly rough few weeks, and I am exhausted with no real right to be so. My surprising energy and drive to get things done that began the semester is slowly but surely wearing down and just leaving me tried. I really need Fall Break, even though I suspect I'll need it to gear up for the semester's end and the next one's beginning instead of rest.