Struggle and Change

A lot of life exhausts me, and the most annoying thing is that most of it is my fault because I am a neurotic person. A dislike of being out of control coupled with indecisiveness and social anxiety does not make for a person with great confidence who is at ease with the world. To make up for this inner chaos, I try to project a sense of quiet confidence, to make people think that even if I don't have it all figured out, I am certain that I will stumble upon it eventually. I would like to be humble and competent. What I am, I fear, is self-centered and avoidance prone; this should be clear from this blog. But then we are all struggling somewhere, I suppose.

I used to identify with super confident female literary characters, but as I grew older I wasn't sure if this was just because people, namely my mom, said I should. I also because extremely introverted in middle school, so maybe that played a part in my sudden alienation from the characters I had thought I was so like. Jo, from Little Women, was one of these characters. I was Jo, because she liked books and writing, and I loved books and writing three line entries in my journal, and my sister was Amy, because she liked art and was the youngest. And I was Scout Finch, because I didn't like stereotypically girly stuff all that much and was outspoken, Elizabeth Bennett because I was smart and liked books. I don't know though, those were all things my mom said, and might mostly have been wishful thinking or motherly delusion. Probably both. There isn't much call for a quiet terrified girl who mostly stays that way except for stabs at sociability by making odd juxtapositions in conversation to be funny, in literary heroines, is what I'm saying.

The good news, though, is that I have hopes for changing. Slowly but surely, in good ways. That's why I like New Year's, because I always feel hopeful. New lists, new things, just *new.* If it brings good things, then great, I need sunny days and triumphs. If it brings bad, then those things too will pass, and though any strength gained at the end won't really justify the suffering, it will still be present.

I am terrified of having to find an internship within a week, but I will find it because I have to, and I will get through it because I need to. I am terrified of graduating, more so than of anything in my life, ironically because of the myriad of choices that threaten me, but I will make some choice, and I will deal with what happens next because that is how life works. I have nightmares about losing touch with some of the people I've met in college, but then I did the same thing about the people in high school. Well, that might not be such a good comparison, since growing apart from some of those people still hurts. But I will do my best to prevent it this time, and if it happens, it won't be due to me.

The point is, I will do better in 2011, I think. Realistically, I won't be hugely better off by the start of 2012, but I will be better in some ways. A bit more disciplined, in writing, exercising, praying, keeping up with people, everything in general. I'm not really an optimist, but neither am I a pessimist. I just have faith that things will change, I guess.